Falling

Falling
By: Katy and Madelyn Kingan
I trip and fall
through the propeller that powers my life. It's blades chop me into pieces separating skin from bone, soul from spirit, eternity from reality.

I fall so quickly my being scatters around me while I try to hold the parts of me together I never thought would break.

Holding my breath
Holding my worth
Holding my hopes

The hopes of a little girl
The hopes of a new woman

Wanting to be loved and cherished and held together by more than glue and sticks and twine.

Hoping for all that is out there

falling and fighting and losing (x3)

The urge to scream overwhelms but the action doesn't bring relief.
The worry gnaws on what is left of me like so many rabid and hungry beast.

"How much will it hurt at the bottom of my pit?"
"How much will it break me?"
"Will the heart that I thought was my friend actually burst through my chest with vicious purpose to destroy me

or

will it stay locked in my bones beating like the drum that pounds before the execution of who I thought I was?"
Who I was?
Who I am?
Who am I?

I thought when you die your whole life was supposed to flash before your eyes?

This feels like dying
but nothing flashes

How deep is this pit?
Where is the bottom?
I've already sunk lower than I thought I could go.

They say in a bottomless pit you die of starvation but I am already starving

For purpose,
For reason,
For a me-shaped hole in the world.

That's something, right?
Is that a piece of hope I lost?

Maybe I'll fall in to the me-hole
And fit so perfectly it will feel like it is where I was always meant to be?

Falling so quickly through the air I have been broken and lost

But I am still here
And I have mass
and shape
and breath

(It's not how I thought I would look but I see a me –shaped hole far down below and it looks just as my new size)

Or (alternative ending)

It's not how I thought I would look but I see a familiar shape
A hole really
far down below
and it looks just my size